Title: The scattered pieces of your heart are like flower petals, blown away by the wind
Genre: romance, angst, friendship
Disclaimer: I don't own them or anything else JE-related, but the story is mine of course^^
Summary: In Yoko's dreams Ryo is still the little boy who always needed him so much... Until the day everything changed.
Yoko's pained heart can't read the signs anymore because Ryo isn't giving him any. Or is he just looking for the wrong signs?
Dedicated to yukitsubute : That's for you, as a little gift for Eastern! It became longer than expected. I hope you like it! And I hope others enjoy it too^^
In my dreams I am the one for you…
In my dreams you need me more than anything else…
I don’t understand… What does it mean… a word like ‘pride’?
How much of it is too much?
The paths love takes are so difficult to understand…
How much can a person bear?
What is jealousy?
When is it too much for us?
What if the person who hurts me the most, is the one I love the most?
What if the person I hurt the most, is the one I love the most?
The person I admire the most is…
“Yoko will turn into an old man soon…” Hina teased, grinning brightly. He threw an arm around Ryo’s shoulders and another one around Yasu’s waist. “Glad that you are still so young, boys, right?”
Maru grinned. “We’ll prepare the sorrowful and tearful party later…”
Ryo giggled a bit at that, while Yasu laughed out loud. Jokes about Yoko’s age were the most common ones recently. None of them really cared about that… Why should anyone bother because he was turning older? Time was still on their side after all…
Yoko forced a smirk on his face, though he felt everything but happy right now. He knew no one could understand his problems about getting older… not even Subaru. It was not exactly a matter of age… it was more like…
Yoko’s gaze shifted towards Ryo now. The younger one grabbed his guitar, searching for a calm corner and sitting down on the floor there. He smiled as he bent over his guitar, fingers stroking over the sites as if he was touching another person he was in love with, his eyes shining. It was beautiful, Yoko thought. HE was beautiful. He had always been. And even in those times when no one else could see Ryo’s gorgeousness, the good features he had beside his immensely high voice, Yoko already knew it that he would turn into a gorgeous man one day and become more than just a pretty voice.
He had supported Ryo… always… through his Junior-days, his teenage years, even when he became part of NEWS… And of course when he started to play in dramas…
Ryo would always come to him, knock at his door when he had a problem… he would ask him for an advice, also concerning music, but especially when it was about matters of love and fights he had with friends and problems that really moved him.
Not only once Yoko had built his Ryo-chan up again when his little heart had been broken…again. Because he was both… too trustful, believing in the one he loved too much without even knowing the other one properly… and not trustful enough, especially when it was about himself. It was a difficult gap in his personality, but Yoko always managed it to get him over these difficulties without bigger problems. He knew when Ryo was sad though Ryo was never showing it. He knew when he was being nervous or disappointed… He knew when Ryo was troubled, hiding his problems. He knew when he was seriously crushed by something, hiding it behind a smiling or a snarky surface. Yoko knew it all, because he had learned to read the signs.
Just that recently Ryo started to be good with hiding things from him. The signs which had always been the same over years had suddenly disappeared. Yoko couldn’t see it anymore. Was Ryo angry? Tired? Sad? Happy? Disappointed? Nervous? Crushed? In love? Heart-broken? Troubled? Worried?
Ryo mixed everything up at once, turned all his signs into a confusing mess… from one day to another. As if he had put everything into one of his cooking-pans and mixed everything up there. The outcome was almost unreadable.
Ryo had changed. Not in a bad way of course. Just…that everything was different. Yoko hated it when things were changing like that… he didn’t like to see everyone being able to do that… He liked steady things and things he could hold on to.
Ryo had always been closed, but now he had also closed himself up from Yoko. It would be a lie to say it didn’t hurt that Ryo would not look into his eyes directly anymore. That he didn’t knock at his door anymore. That no matter how much and how careful Yoko asked Ryo about his problems, he would get no answer.
This didn’t mean that Ryo wasn’t polite. He was almost too polite towards Yoko… When was the last time he had messed around with him? When was the last time he had shown him his dorky side? Or his cheeky one? When was the last time he had popped up in front of Yoko, begging him to listen to the new song he wrote or composed? When was the last time Ryo had thrown Yoko’s playstation controller against the wall because he lost…again? When was the last time Ryo had called Yoko to pick him up in the middle of the night? When was the last time he had bumped into his room when they were on a concert tour… in the middle of the night, because he didn’t want to sleep alone? When did Yoko stop being special for him?
Yoko sighed in frustration. It was easy to answer these questions… It had been around 4 months that Ryo had stopped doing any of these things…
Around 4 months that he closed himself up…
Around 4 months that he didn’t talk to Yoko anymore… Well, of course they talked, but not like they did it before…
Around 4 months that he didn’t ask him to spend some time with him.
Around 4 months that he didn’t demand Yoko’s patience and his caring attitude when he felt sad, angry, worried…
Around 4 months that he didn’t show him any emotions anymore… Yoko would have loved to see an emotional Ryo… no matter what kind of emotions. Anger… Sadness… He would have loved to see Ryo yelling at him and getting angry. It was easy for Yoko to deal with an emotional Ryo… but it was almost impossible for him to deal with an emotionless one. At one point it had made Yoko feel so frustrated that he started to snap at the other…almost every time he and Ryo had to do something together… So that he would tease him or make fun of him… hiss at him… bite at him… do anything to make the other react in any emotional way.
Yoko knew he was treating him unfair. Hina and Subaru had told him exactly that several times… But he couldn’t help it. Ryo’s closeness hurt him more than anything else… He would rather prefer it that Ryo hated him than to feel nothing towards him. Hate was an emotional feeling after all. But the more he bullied him, the more Ryo closed up.
It was not a matter of age that made Yoko upset, it was more like… Why was everyone being able to move on? To get better? To improve? To change? Why was Ryo able to step forward like that… while Yoko couldn’t catch him at all anymore?
Yoko rubbed over his forehead, frowning deeply when he saw how Hina walked towards Ryo now. The latter bent his head forward, looking at the notes in front of Ryo.
“Sounds difficult…” Hina smiled almost lovingly. “Would you play it for me?”
Ryo blushed a bit at that. “I don’t think it’s any good…” he mumbled.
“I’m sure it is.” Hina sat down next to he younger one, crossing his legs a bit. He scanned Ryo properly now. “Is everything alright?” he asked carefully.
Ryo almost grew pale at that. “Of course…” he stuttered. “Perfectly fine…”
“You can talk with me about everything…” Hina reassured him. “You know… we talked about that some weeks ago right? You promised me you won’t keep everything inside you anymore… Neither Baru nor I want to drag you to the hospital again!”
Ryo looked at the other, apparently considering the older one’s words, before he sighed in frustration. “Alright…you won. I will tell you…maybe… later…” he frowned deeply, looking a bit like the stubborn teenager boy he had been some years ago. “But not everything!”
Yoko’s eyes grew wide at that.
When did Subaru and Hina take Ryo to the hospital? And why?
When did Ryo start to go to Hina with his problems?
When did Hina learn to read Ryo’s signs…?
Why could he read them while Yoko was feeling totally helpless when looking into Ryo’s eyes…? There was nothing!
“Really…” Subaru sighed in frustration when he was eating his lunch together with Yoko. They had just finished shooting for a Talk show. A quite difficult shooting… difficult because of the whole atmosphere between them. “Was that really necessary?”
“What?” Yoko blinked at his friend in surprise. “What wasn’t necessary?”
Subaru looked at the other in annoyance, rolling his eyes dramatically. “You and Ryo…”
Yoko flinched a bit. “What’s with us?”
“Yes…” Subaru glared a bit. “That’s exactly the question I wanted to ask. What’s up with you two?”
Yoko smiled wickedly. “What are you talking about. Everything is alright…”
“Yeah…totally…” Subaru mumbled, sighing a bit. “Did you two fight?”
“Then why are you two always getting into fights since a few months…” Subaru wanted to know. “Sometimes it feels like you are yelling at him out of no reason… Did he do anything? Say anything? Why don’t you talk it out? You were so close before…”
Before Yoko could even answer a very angry Hina sat down next to him. Subaru blinked at the other for a moment. “Shingo? Did I forget an appointment with you?” Subaru tried to collect his thoughts a bit, wondering if he had actually invited Hina too and just forgotten about him because he wanted to talk to Yoko.
“No.” Hina made it clear, before turning towards Yoko. “Really… was that necessary? Again!?”
Subaru sighed a bit, resting his head against the glass of beer he was holding in his hands. This here was definitely a worst case scenario. Why was it him being in the middle of it… again? “Listen Shingo…” Subaru started. “That’s not the way you should…”
“Oh, shut up.” Hina glared at his friend. “I hate it that Yoko is bullying him…”
“Hey!” Yoko hissed. “I’m not a bully! I hate people who bully others…”
“Then what exactly should I call you, Yokoyama-kun?” Hina huffed out angrily.
“Another glass of beer, please!” Subaru interrupted the other two men as he called the waitress, wanting to avoid the situation from tensing up even more. As he saw how Yoko wanted to answer… apparently something similar unfriendly, Subaru sighed a bit. “Or maybe a glass of vodka…” he mumbled.
Yoko looked at Subaru, feeling slightly confused, before he turned his attention back to his other band-mate. “Listen… it’s none of your business!”
“It is!” Hina argued. “Ryo is my business!”
“Yoi…” Subaru sighed, burying his head in his arms, before he pushed himself up again with one of his elbows, resting his head against his palm.
“Yes?” Yoko’s eyes got a dangerous expression. “Since when are you so interested?”
“I’ve always been.” Hina explained simply.
“Really?” Yoko mock-mused. “I can’t remember…”
“Yes, because previously he didn’t need me… because he had you.” Hina made it clear. “Now sine he doesn’t have you anymore… he needs someone else.”
“WHAT!?” Yoko blurt out, before wincing a bit when he could feel the eyes of like every visitor of this restaurant looking at him now. He lowered his voice a bit, but sounded as worked up as before. “I’m still here! I’ve always been.”
“Really?” Hina pulled his eyebrows up, not even a bit intimidated by Yoko’s anger. “And why was I the one who patted his head right now? Why was I the one searching for a tissue in my pockets because he cried… again?”
Yoko clenched his fists a bit, Hina’s words entering his mind like little poisoned arrows, hurting every part of his body and making him feel so guilty that it hurt even more. “I was not feeling well.” he tried to apologize.
“Then you aren’t feeling well since months!” Hina grumbled, then he sighed a bit when he eyed his watch. “I have to leave…” he mumbled, feeling annoyed that he couldn’t finish this here.
“Eh?” Subaru blinked. “Why?”
“I told Ryo that I’m just getting some ramen for the both of us and would be back in half an hour… “ With that Hina got up again, grabbing his bag and rushing out of the restaurant.
Subaru watched the latter’s back as he left, before he looked back at Yoko, flinching slightly by the expression Yoko was carrying right now. “Don’t look like that…” he begged. “That’s exactly what I wanted to avoid.”
Yoko rubbed over his head a bit. “Is it really that bad?”
“Well…” Subaru stuttered. “Somehow…”
Yoko eyed his friend insistently. “I heard today that you brought him to hospital…”
“Eh?” Subaru blinked, feeling a bit uncomfortable. “Yes… he wasn’t feeling well… So we dragged him to the hospital.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Yoko wanted to know.
Subaru sighed a bit. “Because you two aren’t getting along well at the moment…” he scratched his head a bit. “What did happen?” he wanted to know.
“Nothing…” Yoko sighed. “I wouldn’t lie to you… So believe me. Nothing happened…”
“But…” Subaru shook his head, not understanding a word here. “Why are you so annoyed then?” he looked at the other piercingly. “You are jealous of Shingo, am I right? Because he started to take your place…”
Yoko shrugged a bit, trying not to show how hurt he really felt by that. “Somehow… It bothers me.” He somehow admitted.
“Why don’t you go against Shingo then?” Subaru wanted to know.
“Because it’s not exactly his fault…” Yoko admitted.
Subaru shook his head a bit. “If you are not happy with how things are right now, why do you let them happen then?” he smiled a bit. “Is it really okay for you if he starts to hate you?”
“And when I wanted to go away, she said…” Jin smiled wickedly at Ryo, making a dramatic pause, but before he could say anything else, Ryo’s eyes grew wide in shock. He grabbed Jin’s arm, pulling him along with him. “Ryo-chan?”
“Sh…” Ryo mumbled. “Please…”
Jin sighed in frustration, but let Ryo pull him through a door to hide there with him. A moment later Jin frowned a bit. He sighed in frustration. “Really… you know I love you dearly, Ryo-chan, right?”
“Yes.” Ryo smiled a bit.
Jin’s anger melted away immediately by Ryo’s smile. He grinned a bit. “But next time you want to run away from Yoko, let’s hide somewhere else… and not in a closet!”
“Sorry.” Ryo looked at his friend apologetically, while he was pressing his ear against the wood, trying to hear the footsteps of his band-member. “I think he is passing us any moment.” he whispered.
“Okay…” Jin sighed a bit. “This game is getting a bit strange… Why do we have to hide?”
Ryo stayed quiet, pretending as if he didn’t hear Jin’s questions. Jin rolled his eyes, poking Ryo’s hips. “Come on…tell me!”
Ryo wavered a bit, looking at the other nervously. “Things are strange between us.” he finally admitted.
“Oh really?” Jin mock-mused. “Tell me something new, dear…”
“Well… I don’t know why it’s so strange…” Ryo mumbled.
Jin pulled up one of his eyebrows, trying to sound teasingly, but he couldn’t help the fond tune in his voice. “You don’t?”
Ryo blinked at that, blushing deeply. He thought it was wiser to not answer to this question.
“Eh?” Maru blinked in surprise. “I should suggest…what?”
Hina sighed a bit, looking at Subaru rather helplessly. Subaru just shrugged. “Just suggest it.”
“Yeah…” Maru grumbled, crossing his arms in front of his body. “Why do I have to be the idiot again?”
“Because it would be suspicious if one of us suggests it.” Hina explained. “Don’t worry. We won’t let him go against you…”
Maru sighed. “And you think it would help?”
“Yes.” Hina nodded his head confidently.
Maru wavered a bit. Within a group of seven there were always people you got along better with… or those you cared more for… For Yasu it was Subaru…and Yoko. As for Maru… he didn’t care that much about Yoko, though he liked him of course. But he just wasn’t that special for him. But Hina was rather important… And Ryo was special for him. His smile would always make Maru’s day, no matter how bad he was feeling. So he sighed. “Okay…” he finally agreed. If it would help Ryo…
“What?” Yoko blinked in utter surprise. They were just having a TV-show to promote their upcoming tour. It would start next week so he was already feeling a bit nervous. And Maru’s suggestion surprised him even more.
“YES!” Maru chirped, making a dorky face towards the audience. “How would you like it to have Ryo-cha~n~ reading a letter to our You-kun… for his upcoming 30th birthday?”
The girls squealed like crazy, waving their hands towards Maru in agreement.
Maru smiled happily, laughing in his very own unique and dorky way. “See! The fans voted for yes! We can’t disappoint them now!”
Hina almost fell from his chair at that. He carefully hid his smile behind his hand, while Subaru just stared at him helplessly. They had never expected Maru to bring this suggestion that professional. There was no way now that Yoko or Ryo could avoid that.
Yoko glared at Maru dangerously, feeling like jumping and punching this guy immediately. But no matter how often he tried to approach him, Maru was never alone… One time he was having his lunch with Hina…then discussing a song with Subaru… practising a duet-part with Yasu… practising an instrumental part with Hina… drinking coffee with Subaru…
Yoko sighed in frustration as Maru was occupied by someone else again and turned around, sighing in frustration. Then he almost jumped as he found himself almost bumping into Ryo. For the first time since month he looked directly into the younger one’s eyes again. And for a moment he was almost able to see it again… Ryo’s soul in his eyes, not being hidden behind an inscrutable expression. But it was just a moment, before Yoko drew back again, feeling too uncomfortable to even look at the other guy. He bit his lips a bit, wanting to say something, but he couldn’t… There were so many things the wanted to say to Ryo right now…things he wanted to ask, reasons he wanted to tell him and out of all he wanted to explain everything to him. And ask what went wrong with them… Maybe Ryo knew the answer.
Subaru was right, it was stupid to run away from him. Because it didn’t solve anything. Did he want Ryo to hate him? Could he really bear with that? Yoko sighed a bit, wondering if it was already too late to change everything… Was it too late to talk? To ask these questions? To solve everything?
As he realised Ryo was watching him almost expectantly, he swallowed down the dry feeling in his throat. He just couldn’t do it… Maybe he feared the answer too much. So also this time… he just walked away. Ryo’s eyes feeling like arrows in his back.
All this time Ryo had needed Yoko… and suddenly he didn’t need him anymore…
Though he had always been the one thing Ryo could hold on to…
But maybe Ryo had never needed something like that…maybe it was the opposite: Ryo was the one Yoko could always hold on to…
Maybe Yoko was the one who needed Ryo…
“I still feel like killing Maru…” Yoko grumbled, trying to hide his immense nervousness. He was feeling stressed like never before.
Subaru patted his shoulder. “It will be okay.” He grinned a bit. “It’s not like Ryo can say something mean in public…”
Yoko sighed a bit. Subaru didn’t understand that. It was not about what Ryo was saying… it was more about what he didn’t say. It had always been like that with him.
“It’s time for the MC.” They heard Maru’s voice from the stage. “And whose letter will we hear today?”
“RYO-CHAN’S!” the girls yelled back, the excitement spreading through the audience.
Yoko grew pale at that. “Any chance that I can avoid this?”
“Nope.” Subaru said, pushing Yoko on the stage.
Yoko stumbled a bit, smiling and waving at the audience to hide his fear. He felt so immensely sick. He made a mental note to kill all his friends for this here… definitely!
“And?” Subaru mumbled when Hina and Maru appeared behind him. “What did you tell Ryo, Shingo? What kind of letter is it?”
Hina shrugged a bit. “I just told him to be honest and say what he wants to say.”
Subaru’s eyes grew wide, for the first time he had doubts about this here. “But…what if he is really honest?”
“Come on…” Hina smiled. “They are two grown-up men. Bad enough that we have to give them that setting to make up.”
Maru shrugged a bit. “That’s somehow right…At least Ryo-chan can say what he really thinks about Yoko…”
“Yeah…” Subaru mumbled. “Hopefully he also thinks something good about him.”
“Shh…” Maru made. “I want to hear it…”
Since I was a kid you were there for me… almost raising me.
When we had a fight you would be the one apologizing…
When I was sad or feeling worried, you were the person I could hold on to…
I could always be sure about your support, no matter what I did.
I hated it when we fought, I hated it when we didn’t talk.
But no matter what, you always solved everything…no matter how impossible it seemed at that time.
Now that I’m grown up I want to do the same for you…
I want to turn into a man you can hold on to.
I want to be the one who solves everything… and not let you do all the work.
I want to be worth your friendship, because you have been the only steady constant in my life.
The person I admire the most…is you.
“Awww…” Hina sighed contently. “I’m so relieved…”
“Eh?” Subaru glared. “You were feeling worried?”
“Of course.” Hina grinned a bit. “What if he had underlined how much they grew apart…? Or if he had said that he can’t understand him anymore?”
Subaru grumbled a bit at that. “Really…and you were telling us there was no risk about it…”
Hina pulled an eyebrow up. “And you believed me?”
“Shut up.” Subaru mumbled, looking at Yoko’s surprised figure, his lips shivering slightly. Apparently he was feeling too moved to do anything else than to hug Ryo. “That’s really good what they are doing” Subaru stated.
Maru smiled warily. “What are you talking about…” he looked at the two guys. “What are they doing?”
“It’s called confessing, you idiot!” Subaru grumbled, making Hina grin brightly.
“Eh?” Ryo blinked when he found Yoko knocking at his door.
Yoko tilted his head a bit, trying to read the expression in Ryo’s eyes, but again…he couldn’t. Just that this time it didn’t bother him. “Sorry to drop by like that…”
“No…” Ryo stuttered, stepping a bit aside to let Yoko into his apartment. “But it’s your birthday party. You should stay till the end…”
Yoko smiled weakly. “I had something better to do…” He sat down on the sofa next to Ryo, looking down at his fingers.
The silence between them was almost awkward until Ryo smiled a bit. “You know…” he started.
“Hm?” Yoko looked at the other curiously.
“It wasn’t the whole letter.” Ryo twinkled a bit. “I just read out half of it.”
Yoko smiled at that, raising his hand a bit to stroke over Ryo’s thick, black hair, pulling some strands of his purposely messy hair behind his ears. Then he brushed over his shoulder softly. His hands trembled a bit as if he was afraid that Ryo would run away from him after all. “So? What else did you write?”
“Secret.” Ryo grinned cheekily, smiling a bit when he could feel Yoko’s fingertips on his neck.
“Eh?” Yoko shook his head. “But it’s my letter. Shouldn’t you tell me?” He moved his fingers over Ryo’s cheek, feeling the soft skin. The latter closed his eyes a bit, feeling how Yoko brushed over his eyelids, moving down to his lips, brushing over them, before he was touching his cheek again.
Ryo opened his eyes. “Nope.” He grinned. “You might get too full of yourself.”
Yoko slapped him playfully. “Is that how you should talk to your Senpai?”
"Ouch..." Ryo grinned, rubbing his cheek a bit. Then he threw his head back a bit, looking at Yoko teasingly. “I’m not sure. How are you supposed to treat your Junior?”
Yoko thought about that for a second, then he smiled sheepishly. “You are right. Sorry for everything.”
“It’s okay…” Ryo looked away, feeling a bit embarrassed.
Yoko smiled at that. He didn’t need Ryo to voice anything… he had learned to understand him without any words or signs. In the end they needed each other. It was still the same between them…just different, because Ryo grew up… exactly into the man Yoko was hoping he would grow into. Ryo wanted Yoko to love the man he became and not the kid he had been once. It was so difficult... and still so simple.
Ryo didn’t choose Hina to talk about his problems because he loved Hina more… it was more like he didn’t love him enough to be embarrassed when talking about bothersome and worrying things.
Hina was just a Senpai and a friend.
Yoko was okay with that, as long as he would always be the special one for Ryo.
In the end the person Yoko admired the most was Ryo…
Ryo looked at the older one as Yoko’s hands stopped moving over his body. He tilted his head a bit, a thought crossing his mind. “Kimi-kun?”
Yoko looked at the younger one expectantly, putting one of his arms around Ryo’s shoulder to pull him closer. “Hm?” Ryo looked at him through big eyes, making Yoko remember the kid he had been once. Yoko pulled his eyebrows up. He had almost forgotten the brat Ryo could be sometimes.
And really, Ryo smiled wickedly. “It’s raining outside, right?”
“Yes.” Yoko wondered a bit about that question, but answered it anyway. “There is a thunderstorm coming up…”
“Ah…” Ryo’s nose was moving over Yoko's neck. “I hate thunders…”
“Really?” Yoko blinked, before a content smile appeared on his face. He kissed Ryo’s forehead a bit, moving down to his lips, nibbling at them softly. “So?”
“Do I have to sleep alone?” Ryo asked almost innocently.
“Of course not.”
"But don't expect anything tonight..." Ryo teased.
Yoko smiled a bit at that. "Alright. I won't..."
"Or maybe you should..." Ryo grinned, knowing that Yoko would let him go with almost everything tonight, no matter how far he pushed it or how much he teased him.
"Or maybe not..."
Yoko smiled a bit. He definitely would like this thing between them...
The person I admire the most… is you.