lilly0 (lilly0) wrote,

Monologue Chapter 1

Title: Monologue: Chapter 1 (of 13): Code
Pairing: RyoJin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: romance, friendship
, bit angst
Disclaimer: I don't own them or anything else JE-related. But the story is mine of course^^
It happens almost out of a sudden. 'Almost', because Jin should have seen the signs. But too pre-occupied with the problems in their relationship, it slipped his attention. And then Ryo is gone... leaving just a single note. Where he is, is a mystery, as is what drove him to leave. Desperate to save their relationship Jin decides to fight against unknown demons of their hearts. He is searching for the key to understanding Ryo's past... so that he might be able to open the locked door again.
Note: This story is built up like a little crime story, with Jin looking for reasons, answers...and Ryo. Every chapter starts and ends with a letter Jin is writing down into a notebook - like a diary.

Note2: Flashbacks and letters Jin has written are in [italic]

Dear Ryo,
this is a love letter!
Though I'm sure you will never read it, because you won't receive it.
It would be pathetic to give it to you. I’m a cool guy after all. At least that's what I'm clinging to right now.
But no matter what: It is a love letter.
I love you.
See? I told you, it's a love letter.
Jin dropped down on the sofa in exhaustion, his fingers still clinging to the sheet of paper. He almost had to force his hand to let go of it again. With trembling fingers he held the paper in his hands, the sight in front of him getting blurred by the tears stinging in his eyes.
A few hours before:
“Where are you going to?”
Jin turned around a bit, scanning Ryo properly. His question hadn’t sounded impolite… more like a careful interest. “Out.” he merely answered, his eyes never leaving the expression on Ryo’s face.
“Oh, okay.”
He could see it in Ryo’s eyes that there were actually a lot more things he wanted to ask, like… Who are you meeting? Where are you going too? When will you be back? But Jin just couldn’t get over all these things in his mind and tell him simply: I’m meeting Yuu. It will be a calm evening in a small bar, because Yuu has troubles with his girlfriend. Don’t wait for me, okay? I don’t know how long it will take me.
Just some normal information every partner wanted to have… without being specifically jealous or protective. Two people who were together shared a lot after all. Of course they would want to know these simple answers.
But Jin just couldn’t do that. Not anymore… He felt tired and exhausted, sad and desperate that Ryo didn’t open up to him anymore.
He couldn’t remember the last time they had been talking properly. Not only as lovers, but also as friends. Sharing their thoughts, their problems… and most importantly: their feelings. Ryo was just like a book that had been closed out of a sudden. He didn’t tell Jin anything anymore… he didn’t share his thoughts and problems with him. He had simply closed up. And it made Jin more frustrated every day. Why didn’t Ryo trust him?
It was as if there was a wall between them. For a moment he hoped that Ryo would snap and finally release all the anger he had buried inside him. But as always… he didn’t. Hence Jin grabbed his keys and left the apartment.
As always.
“You know.” Yuu tilted his head a bit. “We hadn’t much in common. Actually… I feel sad that it’s over, but one part of me is glad.” He sighed deeply. “I want to find my Ryo-chan~ too.”
Jin winced a bit at that, but kept his guard up. So he merely smiled. “Yeah…”
“I mean, you guys have a bond.” Yuu went on, not realizing the strange glint in Jin’s eyes.
“You just fit together perfectly.” Yuu sighed. “I envy you. It’s as if you searched for someone…years… and then suddenly you realize you found him.”
“Could you stop that please!?” Jin hissed out.
Yuu blinked at that for a moment, then he knitted his eyebrows, looking at Jin insistently. Jin flinched a bit, realizing that he had said too much. But it was too late now. “Don’t tell me…” Yuu started. “You are having problems?”
Jin sighed a bit. “I’m not telling you anything…”
“Don’t tell me that the real reason you didn’t brought him along today wasn’t because he had a rehearsal, but because you didn’t want to bring him along!?”
When Jin stayed quiet, Yuu gasped in shock. “You didn’t tell him that I wanted to meet the both of you? Why would you do that? Oh my god, Jin, what if he ever finds out? Don’t you think he will be hurt?”
“Yes.” Jin frowned deeply, while he bit down on his lips. “He might be hurt… and angry. Finally! Maybe he will show me what he feels then… at least for once. Damn!”
Yuu tilted his head a bit, frowning deeply. “I’m not sure if I get your problem…”
“He is just keeping everything inside, all the time. No matter what I say, how much love I show him or how much I hurt him, he just stays quiet.” Jin shook his head a bit. “I always knew that he isn’t the most out-going guy, but it never was a problem. But since a few months it’s horrible… And no matter what I do, instead of snapping or reacting, he gets even more silent.”
Yuu took Jin’s words in for a moment, then he rolled his eyes. “And you thought hurting him and lying to him is better than simply TELLING him all that.” He kicked out under the table, hitting Jin’s leg painfully. “You are an idiot! What if it ruins everything? Didn’t it come to your mind that he is afraid that you might get angry or annoyed when he shows you too many feelings? Those things are getting worse for you two, because he is afraid that you might not like him anymore… and instead of bothering you, he stays quiet to keep you at his side.” Yuu shot the other a glare. “God, even a relationship-fucked-up guy like me knows that, though I messed up every of my relationships.”
Jin stayed quiet for a moment, then he looked at Yuu warily. “You think he stays quiet because he wants to please me?”
Yuu sighed in frustration. “I don’t know that. It’s just an idea I had. But what I know is that every person has a history. The past is always influencing the presence. He wasn’t an unwritten sheet of paper before he got together with you. Who was he together with before? What kind of person was that? How did his other relationships work? Why did they break apart? What were the arguments in his former relationships about? What did he learn from his parents? From his siblings? From his friends? Every relationship, also between siblings, parents and friends, has influence on a person. My ex-girlfriend Mika had a boyfriend who was one of those traditional guys who wanted a girl who stayed at home. And I kept wondering all the time why she never talked about work or her career with me… until I found out about her ex-boyfriend. He never wanted to hear her talking about her work…”
Jin stared at the other in utter surprise. “Oh my God Yuu… since when are you so mature and smart?”
“Even if you won’t believe it, but people grow up…” Yuu grumbled.
Jin looked at the other thoughtfully, then his eyes widened. “Oh dear…”
“Yeah…” Yuu pulled an eyebrow up. “Does it slowly sink in?”
“Of course you are right!” Jin shifted around nervously. “I can’t believe it that I didn’t think about that at all. I was just feeling disappointed and annoyed and sad and hurt all the time, because he wouldn’t open up. For example one of the guys he was together with before was such a freaking idiot who kept pulling him down with his own gloomy mood. I didn't know him, but Ryo was always so down during that time.”
Yuu leaned back a bit, feeling sorry for his friend now. “Well, I guess if you are in the middle of a relationship it’s not that easy to see all these things…” he tried to reassure him. “Don’t dwell too much in some sort of self-guilt… it doesn’t help anyone. Only doing better helps.”
“You are right.” Jin nodded his head. “Thanks.”
Yuu grinned. “I really should have become a relationship therapist. Apparently I’m a genius.”
Jin took some stairs at once to reach his apartment sooner. “Ryo?” he called when he had closed the door behind him. “Are you asleep already?” Okay, he knew this question was totally inappropriate but he just couldn’t await it to hug Ryo and to tell him that now he understood everything. That everything became clear for him, finally! Then he blinked for a moment when he reached the bedroom, realizing that Ryo was not there.
And also the rest of the apartment was empty. Jin sighed, sitting down on the sofa. Maybe Ryo went out too? He rubbed over his head tiredly when his eyes suddenly caught a note on the sofa table… with Ryo’s hand-writing.
Dear Jin,
I know you deserve more than a note, but when you are standing in front of me I won’t be able to say or do what I need to do. You know I suck with words…
I love you. But I don’t think we are going anywhere right now.
Or maybe it’s not a question of ‘us’ or ‘we’, maybe it’s me. I don’t know where I’m going to. Everything is blurred…
So I’ll be going.
I don’t know where to… I guess I need a break from myself.
Dear Ryo,
I know I should be angry that you left like that – only leaving me a letter.
But I can’t. Though it hurt so much.
But I feel too guilty. I don’t even have words for how guilty I feel.
If I address the letter to
'my only love'
…wherever you are…
will it reach you?

Note: Hey dear friends and readers! Thanks so much for all your support!! So, I wanted to tell you that my Request Post is open. If you feel like requesting a specific pairing or situation you can do so HERE

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